Now that Brexit is upon us, perhaps it’s time to check how British you really are. Alternatively, if you’re an EU national, here’s a chance to see how well you’ve integrated into the British way of thinking.
The 10 Tell-Tale Signs You Are British
- Whenever you enter a hotel room for the first time, you immediately look for the kettle. No amount of chocolates on a pillowcase, turned up pointed toilet paper or freebie toiletries can make up for its absence.
- On entering a train compartment or bus you automatically sit as far away from the other passengers as is humanely possible.
- Conversely if someone sits next to you in a half empty carriage or bus, the anger you feel at this perceived slight is commensurate to the resentment you experience when someone tries to push in front of you in a queue or offers to make you a cup of tea and insists on putting the milk in first.
- You are convinced that Britain is not part of Europe but an entity entirely of its own, and thus you find nothing wrong with saying “I’m going to Europe for my holidays” despite the fact you actually live in Europe.
- You have no idea what kilos, metres or litres are. (The former can prove most useful when weighing yourself as you are none the wiser and therefore don’t feel the need to do anything about it. I’ve been doing it for years).
- Everywhere you go, you bring a cardigan/umbrella/coat with you just in case, even when visiting tropical climes. (Conversely, if you are under 30, you may well refuse to have a cardigan/umbrella/coat with you even when you’re stuck in some town in Britain and it’s freezing outside. Under 30s do this in the mistaken belief that this makes them look cool. Whereas every Brit over 30 knows it just makes them look a twat.)
- You have no idea about English grammar. Terms such as phrasal verbs are an alien concept to you. Then again, terms such as verbs may be an alien concept to you. Of course when non-native English speakers find out that Brits have no idea what a phrasal verb is I’m guessing it’s hard to take in. (Did you see what I did there? If you’re British, probably not).
- At the first sight of sunshine you insist on sunbathing outside even though it’s bloody freezing, willing yourself to ignore the Goosebumps and the fact your teeth are chattering.
- If you’re at a party and you fancy someone, then you ensure that’s the one person you ignore all night while slowly getting pissed out of your mind and wondering why in hell they haven’t made a move yet.
- And last but not least, you have no concept of what ‘moderate drinking’ is.