Above all, The Other Mother by Jen Brister is a fun read. If anyone can make ranting a comedic art then Jen Brister is your woman. Secondly, it is refreshingly down to earth: no sanctimonious, idealised Perfect Mother scenario here: far from it. Jen’s take is that parenting is hard; and you will get it wrong at times. Thirdly, and perhaps most surprisingly for a book about parenting, you don’t need to be a parent/would-be parent to enjoy it. This is mainly down to the comedic talents of the author and her ability to spin a good yarn.
The Other Mother takes us on Jen and her girlfriend Chloe’s journey from the moment they decide to become parents to surviving the trials and tribulations of looking after two small boys. On the way it takes in the various joys of IVF treatment, NCT classes, giving birth, sleep deprivation, human faeces, vomit, fussy eating, longing for some adult company while killing time during interminable long days. Oh yes, and did I mention the lack of sleep? All the while fending off often unwanted and generally conflicting advice from all and sundry.
Personally, it seems like the plot of a particularly cruel horror movie, but Brister manages to intersperse dollops of humour along the way. It also comes across as a refreshingly honest take on motherhood.
Of course, the book is entitled The Other Mother for a good reason. Jen is the non-biological mother to her children, and seeing the story through her eyes makes me appreciate how different the life experience of gay people is to straight people such as myself in a way I’d never given much thought to. It is really easy to sail along in your own little ‘straight’ bubble without realising what your gay friends have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
There is the grind of having to constantly deal with people assuming you must be straight. In fact, one of the biggest eye-openers for me (if you’re gay, you’ll no doubt be rolling your eyes at me at this point) is that a gay person doesn’t just come out the once but is required to do so almost on a daily basis, and, moreover, how emotionally draining that can be. Not to mention the small technicality of growing up with a lack of representation of gay people both in the media and within society as a whole, and with homophobia so embedded in that society you end up internalising it inside you. Even supposedly simple things become more complicated if you are gay, from parents choosing where to live, where to go on holiday (Brunei is out) to what do your kids call you.
But as ‘The Other Mother’ Jen also has to deal with her own neurosis at being the non-biological mum; from feeling surplus to requirements and guilt, insecurities about not being the ‘proper mum’, to feeling useless, although as Jen readily admits being ‘The Other Mother’ does have its advantages particularly when it comes to consuming wine and eating sashimi. Jen’s Imposter Syndrome looms large throughout the book, although Jen is thankfully self-aware enough to appreciate that her insecurities paled in comparison with what Chloe was going through. Luckily, it turns out that the best remedy for such introspection is having two babies to look after: you are far too busy to have the luxury of indulging such insecurities.
Amidst the dirty nappies and sleepless nights, we also learn Jen found a new role for herself within the family dynamic. Moreover, forced by the boys to live in the present and with limited free time on her hands, she became more productive and her career took a turn for the better.
We also learn that despite the best of intentions (generally before the babies arrive), Jen and Chloe became the parents they swore they’d never become: be it using disposable nappies to fighting the urge to show photos of their kids to anyone foolhardy enough to come near them.
In brief, for those with no interest in parenting you can simply enjoy this book as a fun read, and despite Jen’s protestations that it’s all worth it in the end, congratulate yourself on making one hell of a smart choice.
For those who’ve been there, done that, you will no doubt nod your head in agreement as Jen relates how ‘that most of the time you’re faking it and just hoping no one else notices’.
For those would-be/about-to-be parents, I heartily recommend The Other Mother if you want to read an account about parenting which doesn’t try and guilt trip you because you might be less than perfect and, heaven forfend, you might get things wrong from time to time.
Of course, the main message of the book is that: Yes, Jen and Chloe are gay parents. And like any loving parents, they will get things wrong; they will get tired; frustrated; desperate for some sleep or for their kids to eat their dinner just this once. Essentially, however, what The Other Mother makes clear is that ‘gay parents are doing the same job that all parents are; bringing up their children with love’.
